The Case for Giving Up Sex and Going All-In on Cute Socks Subscriptions
It’s a simple fact of life that many people are in the market to buy cute socks and stock up on sock subscriptions so they have them on hand when their favorite pair get holes in them. But if you aren’t ready to settle down and marry your favourite sock subscription, these next few lines will explain why it might be time to give up sex and devote your life to cute socks instead!
6 Reasons why you should give up sex
1. You'll save a lot of money. 2. You'll be happier! 3. You'll never have to worry about STDs again! 4. You'll never have to go through the drama of a breakup again! 5. Your partner will be so grateful you're saving them from your pesky sexual advances! 6. cool socks!
5 Steps to a life free from sex
1. Cancel all of your sexy social media accounts. This includes Tinder, OKCupid, etc. You're only hurting yourself by continuing to be tempted by girls' online personas.
2. Cancel all of your cable channels that show racy TV shows or movies. It's time to be productive and stop wasting time watching the Kardashians have one too many drinks at a party while their rich husbands cheat on them again with a girl they met in the bathroom last week.
3. Start subscribing to cool sock clubs like Happy Socks Club or Bombas Sock Club
4. Cut off any unsupportive friends who judge you for giving up sex (they're not worth it)
Do it. Do it now.
Don't try to tell me you don't want to go all in on cool socks. I know better. You're not fooling anyone with your I only need a few pair rhetoric. If you're like me, you've got a drawer of mismatched, holey, ratty old socks that are way past their expiration date. It's time to get rid of them! And start fresh with an awesome new sock subscription service. We'll be best friends forever now!
Reap the benefits of your hard decision
I love cute socks. I love them so much, in fact, that I've decided to give up sex until the day I die to devote myself wholly to my life's passion: buying cute socks. It's been six months since I last had sex, but it feels like my life is finally starting to make sense. After years of feeling lost and confused about what it means to be a grown up, trading in sex for cute socks has given me stability and peace of mind. Sure, sometimes I feel lonely or sad about not being intimate with another human being ever again (much less someone as attractive as you), but when I look down at my feet adorned with fuzzy slipper socks or a pair of kitten booties, all those worries melt away. It's so worth it!